“People still do that?”
But I digress, as it really is that easy to tumble down the well. Instead, this awaits in your inbox, at this very moment, to take from it as much or as little as you need.
Refract is designed to be received via email. To sign up to the emailing list fill out your details here.
If the above is far too committal for you, or you just hate checking your emails, a selection of snippets and stories will be posted here for all to see.
03
PLAYLIST 02
When I was a kid on long car drives I'd put in earbuds and wrap a headband over my tiny ears to hold them in so I could listen properly. When I was a teenager I slept with headphones in until the microphone button kept calling my dad in the middle of the night. He'd come upstairs to find me dead asleep, tangled up somehow not choking and miraculously making calls. I think about music for the most part of every day and it's been a huge part of my entire life.
My taste expands across a lot of stuff but there is always a through line.
There are at least 50 songs that are in my most played year after year, always on at the bar when I'm working, my first pick to make everyone start dancing in the kitchen, or the soundtrack to many broken hearts. On my birthday I forced my housemates to each play a song that made them think of me before we went to dinner. I am OBSESSED.
Playlist 02. I put together 16 of those songs - and then, even though I tried really hard not to, added 4 more. They are the first that came to mind because if I thought any longer I'd still be making the list.
Listen as you read.
Here’s a little about each:
You Sent Me Flying - Amy Winehouse
Holy shit. A perfect song. This is the song I can perform word for word, every adlib, every breath, perfect every time, gun to my head. A lesson in perfect lyricism too. Classic Amy. This song reminds me of one of my best friends Soph, we’ve screamed it TOP of the lungs together in the car so many times. It never flops. I owe two breakup success stories to this song and this song alone. When it ends you get the bonus, some more of her best equally bitchy and tender lyrics.
Favourite lyric : And although he's nothing in the scheme of my years. It just serves to bludgeon my futile tears.
New Sensations - Lou Reed
Cant ride a motorbike but i’m certain this is how it feels. I put this on around 10pm at work and turn all the lights down - the bar fills up every time without fail. Always makes me want to push the boat out.
Favourite lyric : I ain't no dog tied to a parked car.
Sweet Sixteen - Billy Idol
I am a MASSIVE Billy Idol fan. Sweet Sixteen is my number one. Unfortunately a bunch of songs I love are a bit older man singing about a young girl which is always a bit of a boner killer. When I found this one I assumed the same sorta thing, however I just found out on wikipedia that - "Sweet Sixteen" was inspired by the true story of Edward Leedskalnin, a Latvian emigrant who single-handedly built the Coral Castle in Florida. Somewhat of a relief I guess. This song is the right amount of freaky. Echoes through my bones.
Favourite lyric : Someone's built a candy castle for my sweet sixteen.
Nothing’s Changed - Chris Isaak
The only man to truly know love and despair. My LOVE for Chris Isaak began in my childhood. Aside from the fact that I had two eyes and a beating heart, my mum was also a big fan. A core memory of mine actually revolves around him. We had one of those big cd racks at home and I loved going through it. One day I pulled out mum's copy of ‘best of’, she got it when she saw him live. “to Kathy, you sexy little devil” a smiley face with devil horns and a few X’s in sharpie across the cover. That was the moment I found out (decided) my mum was having an affair with Chris Isaak. Obviously??? This is probably tied with Blue Hotel for my favourite of his songs. The album title is perfect and the cover art is incredible, no notes.
Favourite lyric : Who lives in your house today?
I Love You - The Bees
One of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. Me and my best friend have both shotgun it to play at our weddings. Years ago, at the beginning of a new relationship, when I was too scared to say I love you but knew I did, I would cook him breakfast to this song instead.
Favourite lyric : You're charming in my thoughts with the magic that you brought.
Do Yourself a Favour - Prince
Many great prince songs to choose from, none as vindicating as this one. Post breakup, light at the end of the tunnel, sunny day, maybe this girl's gonna be okay ass ending to the rom com. In classic Prince style it just keeps going… and going… and going.
Favourite lyric : I don't claim no riches or any miracles.
Set Adrift on Memory Bliss - PM Dawn
All time, all time, all time. The only thing a higher priority than The Bees on my wedding playlist. One of my friends said he knows I'm working if he can hear this playing at the bar before he gets upstairs. A sucker for a sappy 80s ballad and Soul II Soul type drum beat. The lyrics are ridiculous - I love a man who’s not afraid to get poetic about it. Even just the title. This is in almost every playlist I ever make. I’ve even made a leadlight inspired by it.
Favourite lyric : A neutron dance for a neutron fan. Marionette strings are dangerous things. I thought of all the trouble they bring. An eye for an eye, a spy for spy. Rubber bands expand in a frustrating sigh.
Talk Down - Dijon
This entire album is a perfect 10 for me. Listening to it feels like time spent and feelings changed. Talk down has a drum beat I end up finding in most of my favourite songs. Opening a song with “listening to Gillian Welch" is iconic. He’s just like me!!! I often find myself listening to the song just for that line.
Favourite lyric : Listening to Gillian Welch Oh I can't help myself.
Break It To Me Gently - Brenda Lee
This is the song many people have chosen when subjected to my PLAY A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF ME game. Most of the music I like has been shown to me by someone else - there's usually always a trace connection. Brenda Lee feels entirely my own. Her voice feels like a good stretch or a big gulp of air. I'm a big fan of most of her stuff (minus the Christmas albums respectfully) but Break it to me gently feels like it was taken from my brain. I’ve said or thought most of these lyrics in most of the shitty relationships I've had. It's such a pathetic lament and I love it so much.
Favourite lyric : If you must take your love away, take it gradually.
Here’s Where The Story Ends - The Sundays
What the FUCK did they put in this song??? It floors me every time I listen to it. It might actually be the cure for all evil. Everything is gonna be okay anthem. Play this at my funeral.
Favourite lyric : It's that little souvenir, of a terrible year, which makes my eyes feel sore.
The Trip - Still Corners
I found this song by hearing it play at work one night. After that I listened to it every day for at least 6 months. I was working myself to the BONE, getting over a breakup, in a destructive state of limerence with someone new, and dragging myself to the studio every day to finish a bunch of jobs before I went to Europe alone. Every night when I'd drive down High st on my way home, an absolute shell, I'd BLAST this in the car.
Favourite lyric : So many miles.
More Than This - Roxy Music
Banger, banger, banger. Nostalgia in a bottle. I listened to this the first time I went to Japan. I was probably walking around sounding like Bill Murray in Lost in Translation. Roxy music are the best and this song makes me feel ALIVEEEE
Favourite lyric : No care in the world maybe I'm learning.
I’m In Love With A German Film Star - The Passions
Makes you feel like HOT shit. I always say if I could DJ I would open EVERY single set with this song. Another perfect 10.
Favourite lyric : Sitting in a corner in imperfect clothes trying not to pose.
Death Defying - Hoodoo Guru’s
I really, really love a lot of aussie pub rock. I’m not even sure why because it wasn't my dads first pick. I’m also not very patriotic and was raised much heavier on my Maltese side. This album is so, so, good. Hot take I know. I listen to it a lot in summer. HOOOOOOOWEEEEEE
Favourite lyric : Some would say the ocean roars as it stumbles to the shore but to me, it only sings of the sorrow that it brings.
Untitled (How does it feel) - D’angelo
Hard to believe he was HOONING cigarettes in every vocal take and still sounds like THAT. Hard to pick one favourite of his but I pick this one for one particular memory. My friend soph is the biggest D’angelo fan I’ve ever met. We met though becoming housemates and in those early shy/polite days, Cruisin’ came on in the car and broke the flood gates of what is now one of my favourite friendships. Soph is also known for “performing” at parties. There’s a sweet spot of drunk soph where she clears a room and COMMANDS attention. It's usually a D’angelo song but when it's THIS one you’re treated to a jump into a full split move that never gets old.
Favourite lyric : … i’ll pass on this one...
Bound - Wet
I don't remember how I found this song. This and their song Clementine have been on heavy rotation for me for years. My favourite kind of drum beat again.
I never get sick of this song, every good day I have, I listen to it at least once.
Favourite lyric : Bound to you, blood and time - Throw me out another line.
I Can Only Whisper - Charlotte Day Wilson
There are 16 charlotte day wilson songs that could have comprised this entire list. Her first album was a really early 20s staple for me and it feels like each new genre of my 20s she dropped a new album that coincided. One of those artists that you'll listen to when you're old too. ‘In your eyes’ is also on my spotify wrapped every single year. She also has a great cover of one of the best Dolly Parton songs ever. I love a lot of these songs so dearly. An old friend.
Favourite lyric : But here, the poet floats in a well my words are soaking, coated in braille I look up at everyone else with everything I wish I could yell.
The Ocean - Richard Hawley
This is the song you have to listen to as you drive into Wilsons Prom late afternoon, early evening. One of my favourite album covers ever. God, I love this song!
Favourite lyric : Here comes the wave.
Jeepster - T Rex
If I had to just come out and pick one without thinking too much I'd say this is my favourite album of all time. It also happens to be the soundtrack to my entire early childhood. It’s SUCH a good album. The older I get the more I love it. Electric warrior has some of the nicest lyrics of all time and even Nick Cave said that. I also realised recently that I think we have this song in particular to thank for Prince. You can't not tap your foot.
Favourite lyric : You've got the universe reclining in your hair.
Still In Love With You - Thin Lizzy
Owwwwwwwwwww. Stab right through the heart. Like pushing on a bruise, the pain feels good. Great song to end the night on.
Favourite lyric : Think I'll just fall to pieces - If I don't find something else to do.
02
STARE AT THE WHITE WALL TILL IT BECOMES A MIRROR
From the moment I was born I felt like I was trying to figure out where I fell. Against my friends, my family (youngest, no surprise), throughout school, moving to a completely new state where I knew nobody, university, relationships, adult friendships, jobs, real relationships, but most of all, hardest of all, in myself. Couple this with a burning desire to become an artist and the task gets even muddier.
At 28, an age that for the first time doesn't sound too young (although glaringly obvious on the page how small an amount of time that actually is) I feel like I may have figured it out.
Before I launch into this analogy, I realise now that I have ADHD. Something I only really realised in the last 5 years. A realisation that made it equally better and entirely worse at the same time. Don't worry this isn't more of that - EVERYONE HAS ADHD NOW - chat you’re hearing everywhere, it’s just funny in hindsight given the analogy I'm about to embark on.
It feels like when I would sit in maths class. I used to say that all the conditions had to be PERFECT for me to find maths easy. These mysterious conditions, somehow always elusive and mostly unclear. Like chasing the dragon. However, some days, the clouds would part and all the formulas started working without resistance.
It’s that same warm sunny miracle I feel on my shoulders when I get to the studio all these years later. Not to say I don’t have days at the bench that make me feel like I don’t have a creative bone in my body. For the most part, I’ve figured out how to get the conditions right and what I didn’t realise is I’ve been working at it everywhere other than the studio.
I know what outfits work for me. If my shirt doesn’t hang right my day wont go well. I spend hours exploring my own taste in music, curating it for myself. I’ve performed for men, for the internet, for shitty friends, and for who I thought I ought to be. I sell one ticket to every show. I perform for myself and only once I started doing this, other people started watching.
I’ve done my time in the trenches - straight from tumblr into a fine arts degree at uni - get this - specialising in installation art. I started that degree when I was 17. A 17 year old has the unique ability to EXUDE self identity long before they’ve found any concrete sense of it. I had just discovered Tracey Emin’s bed and was like, yep, thats the kind of artist I want to be.
I thought I’d be happy by simply emulating the work. I was smart enough to know how not to copy and begun appropriating the artist I wanted to be. For my first show I recreated my bathroom (bedroom was taken obviously) - a work I’m not not proud of today but I cant help but laugh at how little it meant. My reason for making that work was because I thought other works like it were cool, I didn’t know myself or the world enough to know what made those works good where what they meant to the person that made them and in turn what they could mean to an audience.
I made a lot of work during those years that all felt very charged and directionless. All emotion, no clarity. Some of it i cant bare to look at but most of it I just find funny. Somewhere in the virtue signalling, art school of it all, I was trying to echo locate myself and hidden in these gestures of mimicry was the slow growing ability to identify what made art good.
I still feel a skeptic tingle up my spine when friends say my work has an identifiable style. For me it’s the flaws. I can see my work in the gaps and the rush, the stack of projects that will probably never see the light of day or the fact that I cant design digitally so my take on a straight line is often easy to pick. If I try to go easy on myself, that could be less about finding negatives in my work and more about knowing my potential. (that line was for my therapist who’s on me about practicing self compassion lol)
The more I try to think outside of myself the more I know that my work actually does have a style. Maybe not an entirely unique aesthetic one, rendered familiar by materials, but I know that as long as it comes from my bench, it couldn’t possibly look or feel like anyone else’s.
This is where my long running issue with copying arises. Every early morning, every walk around the block, every teacher I’ve had, book I’ve read, good date or bad date I’ve had, every perfectly ripe piece of fruit, every holey old tee shirt, notebook, key ring, knick knack; all of my things, all of me, is in every work I make. To copy someones work, when there is always untethered templates and patterns available, no matter your industry, is to carve them out like the middle of a rockmelon. To dump their seedy guts, the part that could grow a million more new versions of them, and take for yourself the fruity flesh. To sell it on as your own without ever even understanding what you’ve wasted.
You should be able to stare at a white wall and in it see yourself. If that blank space is not yet a mirror, come back every day until it is. Art was never meant to be fast and if you read back over the fine print nobody ever promised you that it would be.
In an exercise of humility - the following is some work my 18 year old self thought groundbreaking. Couldn’t tell you what any of it meant. I even made a bar of soap with letters in it? NO idea why??? or even what the words meant? All the text in this work just came to me, none of it actually meant anything which seems CRAZY to me now. Everything about this work feels so unanchored. I can look at all my glass work now and tell you so much about ME and my life at the time I made it. Why I picked the colours the thickness of the lead etc. From the extremely personal to the extremely material I understand it all now. The only reason I can laugh about the work I made in uni is because i’ve finally dropped the anchor.
01
THE INTRODUCTION
Now, I see it every day, I seek it out like an innocent ant, I create it, I capture it, and now, I bundle it up and send it to you.
The word Refract comes from the Latin verb refringere, which means "to break back" or "to bend."
For as long as we’ve had light (at the risk of sounding a little biblical), we’ve had its refraction. A refraction feels like the fingerprint of light. Like the fog you can breathe on a mirror to know that the air really is there. It gives second life to the light that envelops us.
Ephemeral as it may be, it’s the evidence of light. The mark that it comes and goes. The map that tells us something about it. So much so, that we’ve used it to tell the time and set circadian rhythms for as long as time.
As Roger Waters writes on Time (really didn't plan on referencing this album at all, let alone this much):"And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking..."
"...Racing around to come up behind you again." Light tells its own story, one that often trumps that of its refraction.
More often than not, we miss the patterns a glass cup makes or the face of a watch in the sun until it's angled right in your eye by that little shit on the bus. You can feel the light. It wakes you up and sends you to bed, thaws you out in spring, and chases you like a dog all summer. It demands attention, now more than ever.
I always envied my cat Pippie. She always caught on to a beautiful refraction before I did. She knew the value, not just in light, but in its imprint. The refraction of the pond outside our share house window (a bathtub embedded in the ground, dark green sludge, water the consistency of gravy, and a beautiful bright orange fish who came with the house (and I bet is still there now).
Four or so years into working with glass, I, like Pippie, instinctively whip my neck toward these movements and shapes, becoming more and more interested in what they have to say.
Light can’t be the only thing with an evil twin-like companion. Humans have shadows, devils have advocates, I (a brunette) dyed my hair blonde (!!!) last year. Every perspective has its footnote. Just as the light bends through a glass of water, turns twisted and colourful through my own works, ideas and perspectives can be refracted. Things are never singular; their existence furthers through the refractions that split out from them. It is here, in these shadowy shapes, that I want to think.